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Aah, wedding season. The time of year when soon-to-be-brides turn into raging bridezillas because the flowers are the wrong colour or they smudged their lipstick. Future grooms either cower in fear or find any opportunity to ditch their chores and slink off to the pub. Event venues double their prices because the word ‘marriage’ is added to their brochure. And guests are expected to shell out for presents, new outfits, travel and hotel stays for a day they’d rather be using to play video games.
I’ve laid it on thick with that opening paragraph but you get the idea. Weddings can be a beautiful thing and a joyous day to celebrate love and happiness; or they can be more about the event, the dress and the attention than spending the rest of your life with that one special person. They can also be a pain in the butt to attend. I doubt I’m the only person who’s ever got a numb bum from sitting a wooden bench while listening to your stomach grumble and wishing you’d brought a Mars bar.
That’s why I’d choose Max of the Freelance Police to be my plus-one. My reasons could sound selfish… but just think how much fun the day would turn out to be.
The floppy disk version of Sam & Max Hit the Road had copy protection that consisted of dressing either character in a particular set of clothes. One of these was a bridal outfit for Max so he’s aware of just how pretty he’d look in a wedding dress on such a big day. You’d therefore be likely to find him in the pews dressed in white, while the bride is frantically screaming about her stolen dress and running for him in her dressing-robe and curlers (cue the Yakety Sax theme).
Next, we have the vows. Max loses focus during lengthy exposition due to his short attention span so he’d be snoring from the back of the room while the other guests giggled behind their hands. I’m sure he’d wake up immediately when the words ‘if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now’ were uttered. And then he’d find a hundred hilarious reasons the officiant would need to work through before saying ‘you may now kiss the bride’ – and it would be Max who planted a huge smacker on her lips.
Our hyperkinetic-rabbity-thing of a friend possesses a sharp mind and observational nature, so who better to sit next to during the wedding breakfast? He’d be able to point out all sorts of gossip such as who is clearly having an affair with who and which bridesmaid the best man has his eye on, and he wouldn’t be afraid to let everyone else in the room know either. Cue arguments between partners and food fights; much more fun than listening to boring after-dinner speeches.
So where would Sam be while Max and I were having all this fun? I’d need to enlist his help before the event in helping me choose the perfect outfit, and with his taste in 1950s suits and fedoras he’d hopefully be able to sort me out with a slinky little evening gown. That doesn’t mean he’d miss out on the wedding however; he showed he can hold a tune (somewhat) in Sam & Max Save the World so I’d expect to see him up on the stage providing the evening entertainment.
So that’s how the big day would end. The bride glaring at Max angrily across the room while wearing a ripped wedding dress smothered in rabbit fur. The groom completely drunk just to get through it all. The best man and his partner arguing in the corner after his affair with the bridesmaid was revealed, covered in the remains of lunch. And Sam crooning out a song with the line ‘all the girlies hear me and they swo-on’, while Max and I are killing it with our moves on the dance-floor.
What a way to celebrate love.